From roommates with weird wall hangings, and community showers, I now also must risk my own safety in the event of a fire to be NOT eco friendly? WTF?!
According to the poster that is outside the lobby elevator (which I'm pretty sure is handwritten and from 1865) I am supposed to do 5 things before leaving a BUILDING THAT IS ON FUCKING FIRE.
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| Apparently they had enough foresight to know the invention and location of future elevators. Bravo 1865 calligraphist. |
1. The first and most logical step when the place you live is on fire: Turn on the lights. Really? That is my first concern when shit starts exploding. Maybe I should be able to see the flames before they engulf me. And how is that eco-friendly at all? At least if the building burns down, everyone will take the power company for all they're worth in the last 12 seconds? WTF Evangeline Hall....
2. Close those pesky windows and open the blinds. That way, if by the time you've completed the task list you aren't a pile of ash, you can watch your clothes, mini-refridgerators, and hundreds of dollars worth of text books burn to a crisp.
3. Now before you leave, you should close the door, that way any magical, flame-retardent thieves don't spy your room for easy pickings. But don't lock it. After all, the magical-flame-retardent-thieves aren't immune to collapsing buildings, so we want them in and out of there as quick as possible (to be as humanitarian as possible).
4. Walk quickly to the correct exit. Do not run...? ARE YOU JOKING?! THE BUILDING IS LITERALLY ON FIRE. I've never had a better excuse to run in my fucking life.
5. Make a U-turn (thank God you didn't lock the door). You have to ditch the flip flops and put on some sensible footwear! After all, a fire is not an excuse for open-toed shoes. You also should, rather inexplicably, bring a bath towel. I guess that all the other shit is replaceable, but a bath towel has many uses and is for some reason, irreplaceable.
6. Don't talk. Fire is much like a ghost. If you acknowledge it, it only fucks shit up quicker.
(This is also the step where they tell you what to do with your bath towel and tennis shoes... I smell a fun group activity!!!)
7. Don't go back into the building... NO SHIT, SHERLOCK. IT'S ON FIRE.
On a side-note:
I feel obligated to share what the awkward pair to my left in the aforementioned dormitory's lobby is saying. A few favorite one liners (I added my own internal dialogue in italics).
Boy: Do you feel differently about me? Knowing that I smoke. (No, shit-tarde. She just told you her grampa died from lung-cancer. She thinks smoking is A-Okay!)
Girl: My favorite position is the fetal position. (Yeah... Sure it is)
Girl: (On Mexico) It felt like we were in another country. Wait. I know it was another country. Like another city. (Really... Really?)
Boy: Where do you put it all (out of context, that is totally hilarious and dirty)
Boy: You should play lacrosse (What.the.fuck. Who taught you how to talk to girls)
Girl: My batting average was super high (You sound super high. And super dumb)
Boy: I'm pretty good at the flute (This was a completely unrequested piece of information. Followed by an awkward silence.)
Boy: (In a high pitched voice) Get your ass over hear, Sugar (Again I refuse to share the context, because it is so much fucking funnier this way)
^This is when I audibly laughed and decided I should stop^
*Ahhhh.... Awkward meetings. The best.
On a Side-Note AGAIN:
Awkward boy just asked me for my ID card so he could swipe it in our high security elevator (Apparently you have to have some serious CIA clearance to get to the fifth floor of Evangeline Hall). I gave it to him and asked him if he would close my door in the event of a fire. He nodded.
Peace, Love, and Burning Alive.
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